.:.LonelinesS.:. V.06 // precious memories //

Precious memories

welcome to LonelinesS ver.06. i dreamt of making a layout like this since i don't know when. simply love the picture. XD. i think i'm falling in love with the word "memories" and "melancholy" hahaha. so lame. but oh well. yupyupx, this is it, my new layout. XD

10th july 2005

I CHANGED MY BLOG LAYOUT!!!

I WON'T BE UPDATING IN THIS LAYOUT ANYMORE!!!

CLICK HERE!!!

CIAO!

8th july 2005

It has been a week. *sigh*

Okay, so currently I'm sugar high. I guess so. LOL.

Anyways, straight to the point...

During today's chapel, this guy called "Jonathan" held the chapel. He's a funny guy. Wahahaha! And guess what, he's actually already 31 (he looks 20...). Anyways, so, he shared about his past with us.

Lemmi just tell you the story...

So, he was this son of a rich man. Very wealthy if you view it in the olden days type. Jon's (lemmi just nick him "jon") father was always busy and rarely went home. So, technically, the communication between both of them was weak. Very, actually.

Anways, so, Jon was different from the other students in his school. He grew up speaking English while his classmates/schoolmates grew up speaking Chinese. This somehow made him a loner. He did different things from what others do and he get bullied frequently (almost like "I laugh at you because you are different from the common" or sth)...

He grew up 17 years like this. Going through each and every sufferings, sealing them away. He often fought with his father and everytime they fight, the whole scene just went messy. His mother didn't really care though, she only said "father and son's time, father and son's time (or sth)". Well, so his life eventually goes on like this.

Then because of his bad results in O level, he can't make it to a JC or even a poly. So he went into an ART school (he's good in art, btw) and well for some reasons or another, he had fun in this school. Not the good type of fun, it's the opposite.

He smoked 30 sticks a day (just like yuki eiri) and he's a drunker. Ah well, those spoiled days. LOL.

Oh yes, he's also a skateboarder. A good one, I suppose. And then one day, after months of not talking to each other, his father approached him in his room in the morning. He said, "stay at home today, son". But well, Jon had an appointment (skateboarding plans...) and technically any NORMAL teenager would choose to go out for the appointment and so he did. Then his father repeated the same thing, asking him to stay at home just for that day because a group of people from his church is coming. Things didn't went so smooth after all, they got into a massive fight.

Oh well, Jon had to stay after all because his father threatened him that he won't give any money to him anymore if he doesn't stay. LOL.

This is my fave part. So, the group of people did come, they said they wanted to pray for the family. And so, they did. First, they prayed for the parents and then it's his younger sister's turn. At this point of time, his sister cried when she was prayed for by the old guy (dunno who, some kinda priest or sth). Well, Jon sulked and thought, "che, a bunch of "sississies".

When the old guy has prayed for Jon's sister, he approached Jon and then he said he wanted to pray for him too, and so, Jon has no other excused but to agree reluctantly.

So the old guy (in his 60?) went up to him and put his hand on Jon's shoulder, shut his eyes and stood still: as if he was praying to God, asking God to tell him what he is suppose to tell Jon. Of course on the other hand, Jon was speechless because the old guy just stood at the same position for like a minute... or so.

The old guy then looked at Jon and said, "You can cry now". And guess what, Jon who didn't even feel like crying, CRIED all of a sudden. It's all like... all the things which he tried to seal away and tried so hard to forget by "enjoying" himself by doing all those nonsense stuff came back to his mind. He had always kept them deep inside, denying them in all the ways he could but just because of that one sentence... he cried like he never cried in 21 years (it happened when he was 21, that's why).

And guess what!? LOL. I feel like crying when he said this. I think I knew how he felt. LOL. OMG. My eyes were watery but I managed to well, dry them somehow? Christie who was beside me didn't see me coz she was sleeping so well, no biggie, I don't think anyone realised it. XD

So anyway, since that incident, everything turned out fine for him. His dad and him are bestfriends right now. ^^ Happy for him. Wahahahaha.

That was indeed a long post. Shall update more tomorrow or the day after or the day... gah. Just whenever I like. LOL! XD

29th June 2005

Gah. Don't ask. Now it's 1.30 pm, you know what that means. THAT means, I did not go to school again. I'm feeling sick, yes, you hear me! SICK. ILL. Or whatever you can call it. Sick, ill... blaa.

I can die in school. DIE. I somehow hate the school more than ever. Don't ask. I don't know why. I want to move to a new school. Again, don't ask. I just want to move to a new environment. New teachers, old friends, new friends. gah. Teachers... they blow my head often. They make me snap at them. I hate teachers.

Yes you hear me, I hate them! Once again, don't ask.

Who do they think they are? Do they think that they are better than us (HA! I bet I'm better than them at loads of points!)? Are they actually trying to make us better? Aren't they just trying to gain money? They were once our age, so they SHOULD know how it felt but I guess they are more of the goodie ONES. Yes, GOODIES. wooo, I'm scared of the PREFECT, the GOODIE. Yeah right.

It's been a while since I got pissed in my blog. Yes, THIS is what happens if I got pissed. Hm, not much of a difference but yeah, pissed is still pissed. Great, whay am I blabbering about. Shoot.

I can never imagine myself being a teacher. Nu uh, NO WAY. Why would I be one if I hate them so much like this!?

Forget it. I'm blabbering too much. *sniff*

Ah great, I can feel my head cooling off. *phew* *wipes sweat* I'm cool. =P

=_= Forget it. lol.

28th June 2005

Here I am, in the so-called "my homeland" SINGAPORE. Back to usual routine. Back and back and back again. *sigh*

Yesterday I went to school, but I skipped today. hihihi. Don't ask why, well, ok fine, let me tell you why. I didn't sleep the night before so I can't really wake up today. I slept till 1.30pm. See? Isn't that cool?

Heh, I hate school. There aren't really any interesting things going on. Maybe I should make some. =_=;;

All I do is go to school and somehow create troubles or something. I do NOT learn for some reasons. heh.

I'm soooooo lazyyyy rigghhhttt NOW. I do not feel like doing anything else except slack and sleep and all... cih. Dang.

gah. lazy to blog. =P

25th June 2005

So today is the day I'm suppose to leave Indonesia and head to Singapore. Now is only 2 am. I still have 15 hours before I take off.

The holiday ended so fast. Maybe it's because I stayed at home most of the time. Yeah. I think it so. Just went home an hour ago. Sis and her friends asked me to tag along for their karaoke. They did it for 3 hours. Wild girls. Forget it.

I've been addicted to MIRC recently. I hate my addictions. They waste my precious time. Throw that aside. Anyways, I've decided to do something before I turn 15, actually, not just something, it's something[s]. Lots. Yes, I have to work on them.

Ah yes, I've been liking my dreams these days. I can remember them (but now I forget) when I wake up and that's good [(:], don't you think so?

When I go back to Singapore, I'll probably go wild in harusaki again. heh. What to do, I can't control my addictions. I get addicted easily. That's why I can NEVER take drugs. NEVER. Not even a puff of smoke. NONE. I will get addicted easily that's why, but at the same time, of course, I will get bored easily. Depending on everything, that is.

Don't worry, I don't think I'm like this in love.

Can you believe it? In 2 years and 3 months ++ time, I will be 17 years old. Time is fast, isn't? My, I can't believe it. In just 3 months++, I am half way to 30 and 1/4 to 60. Can you believe it?

It's like I've only been standing on this earth for a few hours when actually it's already 14+ years. Sometimes when I think of it, I will freak out. Don't you find it queer?

I have to wake up early tomorrow. I'm getting my XDA II mini. Have to rush and shop for it. I actually wanted the S but my sis' ex-boy says mini is better so I decided to trust him and get the mini. heh.

I have to renew my wishlist soon. gah. later then.

23rd June 2005

I thought I'll be back in Singapore by tomorrow but in the end, she told me that she posponed my ticket to the next day which is a Saturday, 25th of June. I'm not sure whether I should say "thank you" or "why did you do that!?" so I only replied "oh. ng". *sigh*

I'm bored staying here. Everyday is just the same old thing. Bored. Bored to the core. I stayed in the room the whole day and I mean it. THE WHOLE DAY. lol. I will be one nocturnal creature soon. Oh yeah, let it be. School is going to start soon. I'm down.

I'm watching another anime series entitled "dragon drive". Well, the starting is a little not my type but it became better and nicer in the middle. I still have to watch till the end to rate whether it's a nice anime or the opposite. Pardon me for that.

I find it nicer to blog seriously. You know like, my hands or should I say fingers are actually being controlled by my heart (judging from my serious face right now). So whatever my heart says, my fingers type. Yeah. I guess this is nicer.

This is the only place where I don't act like my usual self. I normally, in chatting, forums or real life, DO this: (tehee~ *cheers* banzaaiiii!!! ^^V) or something like that. :)

Mouuu tarraaa... I don't know what else to say. o_o;; *speechless* mwahahaha.

ja

21st June 2005

Younger brother pissed me off. At times, I have to be honest, I wished he wasn't there in the first place. I wished he didn't exist in my memory. But I never wished for him to disappear or anything. But again, there's no use to wish for such impossible thing because the fact is, he's there now. He's my so-called younger brother now.

I didn't remember much of him when I was little. He was borned when I was 4 years old. I only remember a fragment of the memory. I didn't know that my mother was pregnant, all I know is that I drank the nutritional milk with her. It was nice, I can still remember the taste (amazing). Then again I remember I visited my mother in the hospital and there, I saw a little redish thing, my younger brother. I remember I wasn't suppose to touch him before I wash my hand. I also remember one day when I just got home from kindergarden, I rushed to the room located at the end of the hallway and when I got in, I saw alphabets pasted on the wall, it's my brother's name and mother was trying to tell me the name. I think I didn't get it at first. (:

Forget it. It's such a long dilly-dally thing.

But thanks to my brother living, I can gain more freedom although since young, he always brings more trouble to me, even if it's not my fault.

"they love him the most, the hate me" was my usual thought last time. Because it's not my fault yet my parents still scolded me and sided him. I think that was when I started to hate him. I loathed him.

I thank him for living as my younger brother. Parents care about him most, his everything. Results, food, sleep curfews, everything. I think he got beaten more than me. Actually, parents do not beat me often. It can even be counted in a hand (lesser than 5). For his case, I think is a few times more than me. For that, I thank him. He was there as my replacement. I'm able to enjoy myself in Singapore and in Indonesia because of him. Now, needless to say, parents side me more. I don't care if my younger brother hates me or anything. After all, I didn't put any hope in him since the beginning. So it's okay. (:

I know this is like selling him out for my own freedom but again, who cares. He still pisses me off sometimes, like just now. Luckily, my parents never did compare him to me. ^^V

I can't wait to see him grow. He's growing so slowly. Will girls chase after him? *shrugs* I'm not sure. hehe. *sigh* I still want to try to love him. Well, maybe I do and I don't realise it. (:

My stress is relieved. I can now think happier. Cool. Blogging is indeed helpful.

I want to go back to Singapore fast. There's no one there. Only the maid. Gurdian has gone for USA for a month or more. *giggles* I am free. Thank God. I can breathe peacefully. I can go out the whole day. I'm soooo free. Yes, I love my freedom. No one will bother me. School is the only problem. Anyways, I only go to school to make friends and meet new friends in the first place. *grin* That's it. Ok, who wants to stayover? There are tons of empty rooms in my house. *grin*

Oh yeah, I love my life. *yawns*

20th June 2005

Ahh. I finished 3/4 of the book in a day (about three days ago). I'm talking about the "curius incident of the yadda yadda~" book. Red cover with the dog shadow on it. Hm, it's a nice book. No hard words, I read it as if I was reading someone's blog or something. I salute the author. He's great.

I watched 2 series of animes, read one proper book and "about 50" mangas for the past three days. I like the 2 series of animes. They are nice. I recommend them. "aishiteruze baby" and "tactics". It seems like I've not been watching any new animes for the past few months and I kinda missed them, so I bought them.

I've been acting too normal for this month. Really really normal. I am not thinking like my usual self. Good good. *shrugs* what am i saying... forget it.

I'm going to make this a long entry. Right now. So for those who can't tolerate with my blabberings and cold jokes. You know what to do.

Oh yes, a thought came in to me suddenly while reading the book I mentioned above. Ok, let me get straight to the point. I kept asking myself, "what is love?" The book, or rather the main character of the book defines it as "loving someone is helping them when they get into trouble, and looking after them, and telling them the truth". This is the explaination of someone who is really low in EQ (emotional quote) and high in IQ. Weird huh?

"I need a change of place for me to change myself"
This sentence makes sense, huh? yeah, I came up with it. *laughs histerically* There goes my usual mood for lame jokes. Excuse me for a sec. *laughs again*. JOKING. I'm so so not laughing, I will look like I'm some kind of crazy girl if I did. lol. Ok, now I laughed.

Forget that. I'm totally joking. Can someone tell me the meaning of "cold jokes"? I think I might be in the wrong idea. Thank you in advance.

muu... >_>

I like to smile. :) smile smile smile. :)

Can you tell that I'm lame?

*bows* Thank you.

MOU tara... CUT CUT!!! (what am I doing...? o_o;;)

18th June 2005

Whatever. Yes, whatever. It rained just now. Indeed, my phobia still remains. I scramed my younger brother off. The rain effect I guess. Look, I'm okay now. The rain stopped a few hours ago. Right, the rain. I'm just not the type of person who can sing in the rain. More like cry with the rain. Joking. Really, joking. I am the master of cold jokes. Indeed.

My stomach hurts right now. Must have eaten too much just now or something.

Just now I talked with Christine on the phone. Christine Sutanto, not Christine whatever. And I got stucked with one of the things she mentioned. She said she didn't like the series "kamikaze kaito jeanne" because the main character is always thinking that she's alone and always pitying herself and all when actually there are people around her. A lot. Then I thought "Am I the same?". Yeah, I guess I am. I realised it a while ago, I was sick when I heard the mourns of those people who self-pity themelves. Yuck. I feel kind of disgusted. I was like, "dood, there's no time to think about your damn luck, get up. See the good side. Fool." without even realising that I was like him/her at times. I feel like a morron. For that, slap me. *gasp* I'm such a fool. o_o;; me --> FOOL. *bangs head on desk* sshibal.

My younger brother likes to talk to himself. See, he's doing that now. Crazy lil' bro. No time to freak out, used to it. lol.

Oh great, I'm bored with typing this entry again. Shoot. Oh well. Guess I still fancy my boredom. tehee.

17th June 2005

It's 3 am right here and I can't sleep. Great. I do not know what is the problem with me. I just can't. See, my eyes are still WIDE open. I need some sleeping pills.

I learnt a lot in this two weeks and well as you can see from the way I start this entry, I might not be in a good mood or something but to tell you the truth, I am fine. I do not really know why my spirit got all sucked up and the high me disappeared. Strange. I really don't know.

The holiday will end soon. I have to go back to that daily routine soon. I think I changed. Yes, indeed I changed. My whole point of view about life changed. It's like I've juse been brainwashed or something. Wait, or is it because I read too much books these days (counting about... 100. Yes, 100). Not books actually, mangas. The stories are all packed up in my head.

I thought a lot. I feel that I have been so self-centered. All I ever thought about was myself and not anyone. Ever. I have always been such a fool to only think that my whole life is worth nothing, I rather die, no one understands me and all those plain craps. I am such a MORRON. Big time a**h**e. All I did was to complain and mourn all day long. I mean, why can't I just start by doing something? How lame can I get? I regret. Totally. I wasted my time. All this while, I have been a girl whom I never wished to be.

Let me tell you one of my secrets. You know there are times when you meet some kind of people in this life. They are the type of people which has some kind of special aura surrounding them causing others to naturally come to them although he/she didn't really do anything to amaze others or anything. It's not because of looks, mind you. It's because of something, something which I don't even know. And guess what, I have always wanted to be one of these people. So there, you can call it my little selfish wish. I met some of these people. I have always secretly look up to them. I know it's lame. Since primary school, I think not everyone in my class know the real me. Even the teachers say I was kinda quiet. But really, you will be like totally shock if you see the real me.

So, let me introduce my real personality here.

I am a shy one. See? This is why only those close to me knows the real me. I always keep my image (control my expression and so on), in another words, I am a good actress and also a great "feelings bottle" (know what I mean?). Next, I can be quite envious (but it doesn't get any worse than the scale which marks 4 or 5) and quite cunning, but my slyness is normally for jokes or my enemies (oh btw, i DO NOT show my cunning side. mwahahaha). I am a liar at times, a pro of course. Hm, how should I say this. I act dumb, cool or blur when I realised something which you don't really want me to know or realise. I am wild. No one has actually ever seen my wild side openly before but I tell you, I so so am. I like to do something which most couldn't do, even if it is some dares and all, the feeling, for me, is just great. I am better in expressing myself in writing than conv. Like... now? lol. yeah. now. Next, I love to make new friends. I do not know why, I just like to have new friends. I get bored easily. I get bored easily with ANYTHING except for friends and family (don't wanna know bout love dude, I need ta fine out. lol).

See what I mean? I am currently bored of this thing. Yeah, introducing my crazy self that is. Great, I shall stop. I get bored really fast.

Oh great, now my spirit is back. lol. I am high right now. *blinks* so fast? Oh well, guess I get bored at being some kinda blank girl too. lol.

Better get going. I shall see what I can do right now. I plan to stay up the whole night. Yeah.

2nd June 2005

heh. I miss you blog! *group hugs blog* wee~

ok anyway, Japan trip was nice. Damn nice actually. Just that there are some conflicts here and there and all those crappy thingie that always happens in groups and all. Well and as usual, there will and should be a cause. And this time, the cause is, lol. Better not say it here.

Anyway, during the trip, we made this fanclub thingie, there are 10 of us inside, each of us has a title. lol. So, it consist of...

Grace Koh - chairman
Inggrid - vice chairman

the rest of the member are...

valerie, wendalyn, andrea, venza, julia, fion and me.

oh ya, btw, GABY is the eer... the main person of the fanclub. yeah, so it's actually a gaby's fanclub. we named it... THE ROYAL BR**ST TEA!!! well, figure out on your own why we named the fanclub that... lol.

anyways, we also have to have our won greetings and pose. lol. it was lame. i'll put up the video once it's done. XD

oh yes yes, there are some nights when we stayed up over midnight, really late. lol. One of them was the last day. lol. It was so fun. So we were like playing with the samurai blades and act like samurai X. lol. Valerie is wild man! she showed the techniques real well, so lame though. Oh and yes, i think it was the 2nd night... They make a school of seduction thingie. yeh, and all the sec 3s performed different personalities... lol. Angeline is a good actress, lol. XD her expression is so damn funny and Andrea turns out to be a really wild girl despite all her innocent looks and so on... and Linda is a good speaker. lol. the judge, Venza, voted for her for the "bimbotic" contest. lol!

gah. i miss japan. >_>

oh and yes, shoot. I gained 3 Kgs. shoot shoot. gonna play tennis later. play the whole day! HAHAHAHA! haiz. lame.

food in Japan is a lot. They really eat a lot. no wonder Singaporean's are like so skinny to skin and bone and all... while Japan. wew. love their styles. cool.

shall blog more about the trip some other days. hehe. XD

22nd May 2005

lol. I feel like blogging and talking loads of craps again. I wonder why. lol. Maybe i'm feeling unwell.

I'm not perfect. I want to be perfect but i can't. duh. lol. great, what am i blabbering. Skip it.

I'm such a changing-everytime idiot. lol. My mind is always changing. Sometimes I just feel like spacing off in the middle of nowhere (even exams) and other times I just feel like blabbering off all my problems to strangers. Loads of times too I feel that I shouldn't say anything out, not even a tiny bit. lol. How lame. I don't even know what I should do.

Oh yes yes, me and ginji were talking about dreams and freedom a few hours ago.

What is freedom? This question has confused most of the human species on earth. lol. But I've been thinking about the answer and well, I don't even think it's the correct answer. lol. For me, Freedom is knowing that there's a home you can return to and a warm bunch to welcome you home with smiles while you are away for your own journey. Weird huh? yeah, indeed.

I need to improve in my grammar.

Some people on earth think that they are a sad soul. I don't know why but i'm sure that i'm one of 'em. I lost my mind at times and everything just go "kaboom!". Then i'll start to feel so sad and lonely that i don't even feel like voicing out any words. I don't even feel like looking at anyone, in another words, i'm dodging their glances.

At times like this, the only thing that can heal me is spacing off to my radendise. Yes yes, radendise is all I need. I can't tell you how it looks like exactly but I can tell you that it's more beautiful than the world. It's a place where you can fall asleep in 3 seconds knowing that everything is at peace. And there's a guarentee that no one will bother you and nothing will brings sadness. Everything is about happiness. It's the world i've longed for, a happy and peaceful world. Well, it's true that it does not exist but if you believe what i've just said, then you can say that it does exist in me.

Dreams. Set great dreams. lol. How lame. Ok, i'll try to set my dreams here. First, I want to invent a time machine (something faster than the speed of light, at least). Next, I want to invent something which can read minds (so we won't have to draw or write out what's in our mind). Lastly, I want to show my radendise to my loved ones. If that's just possible. lol. Such a pity. lol. All these are merely chidish dreams. How lame.

Ah, yes, i've decided to entitle my manga "radendise". Shall plan during the holiday.

Wonder what I'm gonna do on the plane tomorrow... it's 6 hours plus, dood. How am I suppose to not do anything and just sleep. Oh Puh Lease. No way. Shall plan later.

blabber blabber. I've got nothing else to say. Well, there are actually a lot but nah, not going to say it now. I'm in the blank mode now. gahh, i'm so immature. lol. I loathe my maid. lol. Yes, her, my maid. Multi-layered evil. lol. Be gone.

Shall not blabber more. lol.

Just another ordinary day. Yesterday's outing was fun, especially when that crazy topic came out of nowhere. lol. What a lame topic. Ok, lemmi tell you how it goes. It involved christie, ginji-kun and me. Wait. On a second thought, no. I'm not going to tell. lame.

I had to pack for the japs x-change trip yesterday. How lame. I had to shop with mom. Ginji and Ban tag along but they were half-dead along the way. They said they were tired. lol. Oh great, I still need another black t-shirt. Mom is getting it for me like RIGHT NOW. lol. Lame.

I can't get kingdom of heavens out of my mind. I like it a lot. I don't know why those kind of movies reminds me of The Lord Of The Rings. Needless to say, LOTR will always be in my mind. lol. Great, now i'm really addicted to those movies.

Oh yes, this reminds me of another thing. Yesterday during the outing we had amazing race. lol. It was fun. My group won. My group's leader was Ginji and the other group's leader was Ban. It's like a bestfriend rival-ly fun fun thingie. So yeah, Christie and me were in Ginji's group while Valerie was in Ban's group. Great, so there was this checkpoint where we were given a bible passage and we're supposed to read it. How lame. Kak jo (one of the game master) followed the movie "a series of unfortunate events". lol. I said, "hahaha. this is like 'a series of unfortunate events'" and kak jo goes like took one step back and said something i forgot which signalled that i'm right. Thank you, thank you. Movies are indeed useful. I was lazy to read through and changed the grammars/spellings. lol. It's just not my type.

Anyways, I really wanted to be the game master next time. heh. I want! I will give them tough questions. Like, "If the position you are now is pointing to the north, take 3 steps to the position where the sun sets and take a look in the dense forest in the ants' point of view" or something like that. lol. It's so fun. *sigh*

I'm bored.

20th May 2005

Great, i've been staying in this comp lab since morning and i'm really bored. gahh. The sec 1s here are so noisy. Laughing, chatting, giggling. Feel like slapping them to make each of the shuddup. Annoying brats. Truly brats. muahaha.

Look look, one of them is even jumping like a monkey 10-20 sec ago. hahaha. lol. How lame. Ok, i think my hand froze. I can't type fast right now, gahh. gonna look at the keybpard.

bored bored. Once again i announce bored. ok, it kinda rhyme and stuff but yeah, it's lame. heh.

Andrea wanna blog here for a while. haha! nxt paragraph will be her. :3

harlow!!!hehehehehehehe =D
-andrea

ok... that's short. hahaha! ok great, i hafta go. cih!

I'm skipping lessons. It's so boring. I'm currently in the computer lab. Well, I have to go here because I had to redo the whole poster thing for the japs x-change pro. NOOOOO! *bangs head on desk*

Let's talk about something else.

The internet is another world for me. It's a better world to be precise and it's the only place where I can express my true self. Oh puh lease, just compare it to the real world. Everyone decorates their bodies with fancy trends. In the internet, no way, people play by heart. Well it's true that there are cheaters and all that but in the good side, people develop their true selves in the internet. I mean, you can express better and this improve our creativity. Why can't some parents understand this point?

It's not like i'm limited from the comp from my parents or anything. It's just that i can't stand seeing some people suffering from the lack of the internet because of their parents. Parents these days... They only believed in those solid papers. Those thick textbooks and those friggin workbooks. Kids have to develop their own talents in their own ways. It's not like they have to love studying or study all the dang time. They have to develop their own talents in their own ways. All of them are special, yes, they are IF, big big IF parents allow them to develop their own talents. I mean yes, the kids still have to study and all that but you can't expect them to be purrfect and to score well all the time. cih.

Another thing. I decided to give time. Yes, time heals everything. That's why i decided to provide time. I hope it'll help.

*shrugs* What else...

great, why am i blogging in this kinda time? o_o;;

oh my...

i'm such an irresponsible girl.

haha.

who said i was? *shrugs*

19th May 2005

My heart can't smile right now. The rain is finally here again. Screw the rain. Great, I still have to work on this feeling towards the rain. I don't want it to ruin every part of my life. And no, by the way, no one will understand this trauma in me. Isn't it obvious? Because i didn't tell any soul. lol.

Did I do something wrong again? I tried my best but in the end, i'm a coward. Yes, I lost to pride. What a lame match but that's the fact. I lost badly to pride. How I wish I could just take off this layer of pride wrapping me.

And yes, forgiving is hard. No wait, maybe i'm the one who is hard to be forgiven. Maybe I have done was too much for them to take. If so, then there will be no more second chance for me I guess. I can't believe all these years of my life I've learnt nothing about forgiving. How lame can my life get? Trully, I do wish i know forgiving since small. lol. The problem is, I don't even know how to apologize or what to react after that. How pathetic. Yes, very pathetic.

I'm so sleepy right now. Shall not blog any longer. Maybe tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow might be good. Yeah, should be. *shrugs*

17th May 2005

Have you ever wondered how is it like to actually show the real you? I mean, i'm sure people have their inner other self. It's like, sometimes there's this voice in your head which suddenly pops up an abrupt thought and the other voice will reply to it (reject or accept the thought). Don't you find it queer? It's like all of us in this world are like showing our fake sides, our fake appearance, a body hidden behind those fancy trends. Don't you think of it as a waste?

Well basically what i'm trying to say here is that we're all like lost souls. I know i'm just a kid and all that but hey, even a kid needs to voice out her opinion sometimes. Lost souls aren't exactly pathetic and evil or anything. They are just hiding somewhere, afraid to show their real selves. I mean, what is wrong with showing your real self when it can be more beautiful and divine than the present outer you? Don't you think it's sad? Everyone is hiding their beautiful soul. Isn't that just a waste?

if we're born in this world, i'm sure there's a purpose for it so don't always say that you want to end your time, you want to die or anything. Just carry on living, belive that you will reach your happiness one day, believe that you are not alone. Of course in this life you need love and fun but even if you think that you are full of darkness and loneliness, always believe that someday you will find your true happiness which will erase all the melancholy feelings in you.

And when you found your happiness, protect them. Do not do something and then regret just like that. Because the fact is that happiness is fragile. Sometimes it comes like a typhoon and goes away like a wind. It's not that you are too pathetic until you can't stay on that happy land or anything. It's just that there are trials on this earth which you need to go through and every of this trials has a better purpose. And as you go through many trials in your life, you become stronger. If you keep thinking positive like this, i'm sure one day you will become a diamond. Just try your best and overcome your sorrows.

These few days as i reflect back on my old days, memories flashed into my mind and i thought... they are actually more beautiful than some of other people's memories. I've been immatured before. I realised that I was such a dim-witted kid to only think of my feelings and always always think that people out there don't understand me and stuff but the truth is, I was only thinking of my feelings. Even I, do not care how the people felt. If this goes on, it's too obvious that they won't understand me too. Even if i did sacrifice my happiness for them, it doesn't mean that i do understand them. I mean, i wasn't even TRYING to understand them. I was only following my blunt instinct every time and eventually, i screwed up almost the whole thing. I hurt them and I hurt myself. See, if this goes on then there will be no point for me to live on UNLESS I'm able to renew my leaves.

I finally understood the whole point. You hurt someone and you'll get hurt too. As simple as that. So now the main thing for me is to understand people's feeling before complaining about mine. No, actually, I won't complain about my feelings. Maybe by this way, my negativeness will leave me bit by bit each day.

I want to try to make great dreams. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to enjoy living. I don't want to see those people getting hurt by me. I don't want to see anyone burdened by me. I'm going to do this without shedding another sorrowful tear. I want to smile naturally, I want to be happy. I believe too that someday I'll be able to say "Thank you God for making me alive". I know that someday, no, actually i want to believe that someday I'll fade from this earth with a smile on my face because I know that i've been living in a world surrounded by warmth. it's just that sometimes darkness comes in and hide themselves in my heart. Then I just realised it yesterday, why not light up the darkness with the true light in your heart?

No, i don't want to ever think that everything is too late. They can still be changed. These are the thoughts that flashed into my mind while i stared blankly reflecting upon my past. And i realised that maybe i was thinking too much about my family not loving me. I mean, it's true that they did some which they aren't supposed to do or they didn't do some which they are suppose to do but it's like... everyone makes mistakes. Even me. I realised that i've been giving them too much burden by making myself as cold as ice and stuff. They are on the verge of their strength to even worry about me.

I should treasure them, no, i must. I would really like to see a warm family in front of me. I would really like to experience the fun in being a part of an united family. And yes, mind you, I do treasure them now. It'll be a big relieve if i can just apologize to them someday but i'll wait till it's appropiate. There, now, i DO have something i can love and treasure. Friends are in the same catogery. They will also be loved and treasured. And no, i won't expect anything in return because i don't want anyone to be burdened by me unless they are really willing to then i've no choice to reject.

It's true that i didn't really contribute anything much before but well, this is my beginning and yes, I can already see the ending. You can say it's a premonition but for me, i rather call it my gratifying destiny.

16th May 2005

haha. my quiz' results...

http://members.rogers.com/lim.jennifer/cold2.jpg

In your eyes, people see shards of ice
everywhere... You are cold and distant, pushing
away people that love you and truely care for
you! You want to be able to reach out and love
them but... You can't for some reason... You're
just too.... You :P Underneath that cold
exterior lies a warm, happy soul that wants to
let loose and have fun! Your sanctuary would
probably be anywhere up high where you can look
down on life below you, like the roof of an
apartment building... Your eyes resemble a
saddened, crestfallen person seeking out
attention, but doesn't know how to handle it.
However, you do find comfort from your friends,
they're always there for you, and they know the
REAL you :) Even though you do seem rather
cold, you can be very protective over something
you truely believe in or love. Let go of that
"tough" rep and just be you! It's
impossible to live life without some fun and
love ^-^

What Lies Behind Your Eyes?
brought to you by Quizilla

hehe. is this accurate? o_o;; *shrugs* no, it's TOO accurate. *gasp* who set this quiz!? *checks on quiz*

whatever lha. haha.

15th May 2005

hey hey, new era! hahax. XD