.:.LonelinesS.:. V.05 // to paradise //

To paradise

Welcome to paradise. This is my first debut on div layer layout. I've been dreaming of this colour since i don't know when. Then i thought of making a layout featuring the gates to paradise. yeah. The inspiration comes from my imagination, so yeah. no more reds people! Enjoy.

18th April

hm. i still feel quite blank. today passed very fast. tomorrow, i hope, will be another fast and good day. It kind of confused me sometimes, why sometimes time passed by so fast and sometimes too slow. It's kinda weird really. why is it that when i feel sad, time passes really slow. when i'm happy and laughing so much, time passes really fast. too fast.

it kind of sadden me that it can't be the opposite. i mean, why do i have to care about time? what if time isn't created in the first place, we won't know our birthday, we won't know what age are we now. that way, we can live better. why is there time in the first place? making old people suffer knowing that they are going to be wiped out soon from the surface of earth.

I know this point. even if i can reach the end of the universe, i can never reach the truth of life. it's too far, beyond the beyond.

sometimes i also wonder, am i actually giving strengths to anyone? am i actually used on this earth? am i actually changing anyone to a better new leaf? am i actually special? why do i feel such boredom? it felt as if everything is going to repeat and repeat and repeat all the time in my life. it felt as if there are nothing special happening or going to happen. i'm really bored.

sometimes too i wonder, am i welcomed in the family? are they glad to have me? all i want to say is that... although how much you hated me, although how much you want to punch me to the end of the world, although how much you curse me to die, all i want to hear is the words which will make me happy, it's okay even if it's a lie, it's okay if you are being a hypocrite in front of me. i promised i won't be thinking deep for that moment and that way, i will only hear the good meaning in your words.

it's so cheesy now that i hear people wanting to end their lives, dying and so on. it's kind of stupid really, though i am one last time. Don't you think so too? what good is it if you're only saying out that you want to die and all that, feeling so desperate, feel like disappearing, fading and all those craps, when the second day, i can still see you standing in front of my eyes, saying hello. what a lame thing to do, don't you think so? might as well as jump down straight away or do not say any of those lame words which you will not do. i mean, seriously, commiting suicide is probably the stupidest thing on earth. lame stuff.

i won't cry anymore. i will face the problem no matter what kind of troublesome path awaits me, because i know i will become stronger each trial i conquered. there is really no use breaking down or falling apart in the middle of the path, all we can do is go on, live life even though it's too much to take, just live it. show them what we've got. show them the strong determination. show them our happy face. be our real selves. stop weeping, and i promise each of us will be a bright and special star with different shapes and sizes.

one day, everyone will realise that you are a star in them, though you might not realise it. for as far as the history stretched, no true hero calls themselves a "hero".

don't let the daunting memories haunt you
they are merely your fragment of imagination
take them all away, conquer them
draw a smile on that melanchony face
and i promise you'll be a shining star

Vodka R.yuki Mint
- shining star -

16th April

even if i try hiding it. I still can't help feeling awkward. these days have been good, i don't know why today i'm so blank. blank. total blank. not. melanchony i suppose. and here, just like old times, i'll start complaining about my feelings.

i found a good place to weep. my cupboard. it's enough for me to go in. it's dark and no one will notice. there i will let all my bitter tears out.

my angels and mortals have been busy these days, felt kind of lonely. i did not see hen-nii for a few weeks already. he can't go online. exams. my family members, needless to say, busy.

if i hadn't meet anyone, i won't know of sadness, happiness or those useless feelings. if i hadn't meet anyone, i will be someone with a blank heart and mind. isn't better? i'm really saying craps now so don't bother.

i wonder how long this kind of stuff stretch. i wonder how long will i be able to endure. without my blog, i'm just a worthless piece of craps. because without it, i won't have anymore place to voice out my sadness or anger. then trully, my heart will burst due to the lack of space.

i can never share my problems, sadness or anger to my friends. i'm afraid they will walk out of my life, just like some did before. i don't want to lose anyone in my life so if i can change it even if i'm only hurting myself, i will do it no matter how long it takes for me to endure.

even if i know people only walk in and out our lives, i still want to treasure them. because i know, the memories, whether sad or happy, if we keep our courage and will to fight the strong curens of life, though we might fall sometimes, though we might break down sometimes, just a little advice in the mind, we will be able to continue; and when we reach the goal, those sad memories will just be one of our precious memories.

hm. lots more to say. can't do it in a day. >_>

13th April

hm. i'm going to Japan. everything is okay. hm. why am i feeling so blank again? i'm not happy by the way. well, yes i am happy to hear that i'm going to Japan for sure but i don't FEEL happy. i feel more blank. damn.

shall go and reflect now. ja.

11th April

I get over sadness real fast. no kidding. i forget them in a flash. hm. wonder where they went. Should be stored somewhere in my dark side of heart. wonder if it's going to burst out when it's loaded. hm, hope not.

omg. tomorrow is the interview. me so scared. not. probably tomorrow about 30 sec before the interview, i'll start shaking. hm.

Today went pretty fast. Just reached home from orchard a few minutes ago. I went to watch the beauty shop with rayna and venza. hm. the show is ok, but not really outstanding ot anything like that.

btw, i don't really like talking about what happened in school. It is, for me, too lame and too way before...

hm. i'm still in the blank mode now. probably weared out of the process of erasing sadness. yes yes. erasing sadness. i'm stuck. i have no more things to say.

basically, this is a blog where i can only put most of my sadness, troubles, feelings and loneliness in. It's not some place for me to dilly-dally chat my happy moments and all that. All of here, mostly i mean, was, is and will be sad. dakara ne.

10th April

Somehow i felt down since yesterday. I felt really down. down. down. I don't know how to describe this feeling of sadness or what caused it. I kept denying it. even now. because i know, if i were to think about it and accept it as a reason, everything will be in a greater mess. I can't possibly do anything about it but i just need someone to talk to. Someone who is oblivious to all my friends. someone who i can really trust. sometimes even someone who counceled a lot of friends needs someone to councel herself too you know. that's why.

I know that i have friends. I know that i have family. I know that i have fortune. I know i have everything a normal girl will get. But why, why do i feel so sad. Why do i feel lost. why do i feel so left out...
even if i try denying it and compressing it in my mind, i can't do anything about my heart. It kept asking me to cry once again, in my deep dark secret corner. Yet i know it's useless, crying can't solve anything. crying is merely self pitying one self. So why must i cry?

i'm strong enough to hang on this tidal wave. I just need someone to voice out my crazy messed up mind to. And day by day i'll force myself to forget these feelings thus i will only have happiness in my heart. from time to time, i've been telling myself to hang on, you can do it. But everything seems to go out of place everytime and i'm sick of that self-encouragement. Does anyone not feel what i feel? Does anyone even understand?

I woke up as usual, got out of my bed and yawn once again. Brush my teeth and looked into the mirror. Again, i saw the same gloomy face every single starting of the day. Felt like punching the mirror. But you know i wouldn't. I'm bored of looking at myself. It's like seeing the sad memories and agony in myself. I loathe mirrors and glasses.

Do you not understand? What your daughter is trying to do? What if i say i was trying to build a time machine, will you laugh or encourage me? ok, i know you'll laugh. What if i say i hated you? Will you slap me down or break down into tears? What if i say i want to die? Will you stop me or let me fade? Do you see the real me? Do you not realise that i was putting on a counterfeit mask every single time i see you? Do you not realise this or it's just that my acting is too good?

Stop it. I don't know what's wrong with myself. All i know it's just that i feel a great sadness in me since yesterday. I only know that i want to break down and fall apart once again. I only know that i kept denying the cause. Only these...

9th April

Yesterday Ban and Gin came. Then ban had to left earlier. So gin stayed till 10.30. hm. "i'm always supporting the person i like in her love life (or sth like that)," he said. Maybe it's true. I mean, if you don't, it will only shows signs of jealousy. Then he said, "gue lama lama ilfeel (ilang feeling a.k.a lost feeling)." haha. Love is surprisingly easy to forget.

Maybe i'm not the type that can define what true love is or fall in love until you I dream all day long. even until now i still think that i'd rather be a love counselor and councel those who are in love like some of my friends rather than falling in love. I mean... it's like. What good is it for a girl who don't really know what love is to fall in love? Everybody is turning desperate these days. All they need is the opposite sex by their side. I realise this through my daily life among people and friends.

I'm so lame. pardon me. I'm not those type of person who usually mention about stuff so red and pinkish like this but hey, I'm only voicing out my thoughts and opinions.

i'm in the state of blank. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. I'm really blank. I'm not in loneliness, i'm not in happiness, i'm blank right now. It felt as if my hands were the only one alive, typing this post and that my heart is the one voicing out all the things written here.

I came out with a thought just now. I'm such a low person. I'm such a bad human, evil, sarcastic, morronic what ever bad stuff. somehow my sarcasticsim had become one of my clever point. and although you see me in the outside as a different soul. I'm still the dark angel that some of you know inside. I don't have kindess. Think of it as the other way, i show kindness because i wanted to gain something. Why not think like that? I don't even realise it myself, but maybe it is already like that. I don't see any good points in me. Deep down, i'm just an ugly monster. not even a dark angel.

There is no use asking someone for help in my life, for as far as i know, none of them can help me. Wait a minute, why do i need help in the first place? I'm living normally right. Here, i'm breathing. I have family, fortune, friends. i'm normal. Then why do i need help in the first place? My memories are fading one by one. Now i don't even know the purpose of getting help. My dark side is just a fragment of imagination in my wide revolution of confused mind.

So as to say, maybe i don't even have a dark side. All along, i, the master mind, has developed 2 other sides. dark and white. But again, all along, i'm the true one controlling them. So once again, all along, they are both me. I'm myself all along. It's just because i act too much during certain situation that i don't even realise i'm acting. That's why some ppl say i have split personality.

From the start, i'm just. simply. cleanly. myself.

7th April

Craps. got science paper back today. Lost 7 marks for careless mistake. Gonna have to train myself to stop being careless! (anyone knows how?). Geez. This is so bad. I have to score damn well for the mid-year then. Shall study longer rather than studying in 30 mins. hm. Of course, it will be last minute, if not, then i can't concentrate. Well. I'm 4th in class. 7 marks because of carelessness. (can u believe it?) this is totally insane. totally.

Surprisingly, dad allowed me to go to Japan in a very jiffy moment. hm. can't believe it. He agreed so fast. Well, shall enjoy my days. Alas, i think i'm gonna fail my interview. gaah! interviews are my weakest point! (ehh! should've wrote that down in the form!). gaaah! well. shall be a temporary hypocrite during the interview (the fact that we can't be our normal selves in order to pass sucks big time). I mean, yeah, even teachers are hypos sometimes so i guess, well... even students can be one too. Anyway, maybe i AM already one since last time. X3

Mom and sis went back to indonesia today. hm. I was eer, taking a "nap" when they left. Well, i was awoke though, but guess i preferred to be on the bed under the blanket. Mom stuffed another sheets of money in my wallet (haven't check how much she put in). hm, didn't i tell her that i have my allowences supplied by 3 sources already. she's just tempting me to buy more animes and mangas. shoot. shall spend the money on something useful. ah ya, assesment books. shall buy sooner or later. Hm.

the wad-eva-est part is when she cried. >_> she really cried. Never seen her in that state for a few years. I wonder why. It makes me feel awkward, then a thought came into my mind, "Will you still do that if you knew i didn't love you? Or will you walk away and neglect me."

Well. I guess i kinda changed my attitude to her this time when she come and during March holidays (as in become better). hm, and i can't deny that when she left the room crying short after, well... yes, my eyes were watery as i was lying down on the bed, pretending to be half-sleeping. hm. lonely. I felt lonely. I feel an immense feeling of loneliness. I don't know how to describe, it's a feeling of being neglected for a purpose or love. I don't know.

hm. shall forget the past. shall forgive them. shall repent. shall CONSIDER (big big CONSIDER) to love again.

"if we give in to the emotions, that only prove our inability to control it"

6th April

craps. mom allowed me to go japan but i knew it from the start. She doesn't have the right to make decisions for me. So she said she's gonna ask dad. damn. hm, suddenly i lost the will to go. Icluding that freaky eer... interview thingie. yeah. and the problem is that. gaaah, i don't know what is the problem. Japan japan japan japan. (gone bonkers). Hm, if i go, i hafta host japanese too. It's not a problem though but... but... >_> lame. nvm. I'll host them and i'll let them watch animes or read some japs mangas. <_< damn. that's the only thing i can do for them. please let it be some kinda kind girl, i dun really like bitches. >_< and of coz, not a nerd please. She will make me go bonkers with the eer... studies and stuff. anyway, why the heck am i talking bout this when i'm no even sure i'm allowed!? gaaah. wad am i suppose to dooo!?

Die another day. been neglecting blog a few days because of the flood of inspiration in my mind. been writing stories and poems these days. crazy me. Anyway. What can a kid do other than these things!? adults just have to look down on kids, don't they? sickos, idiotic, morrons. >_> *eherm* sorry for the interuptions, that was eer, my atmost dark side. (crazy). hm. gaah! me so stressed. can i go? must i go? do i wanna go? >_< omg!!! wad am i suppose to do!?

3rd April

I need mummy for money :):)

It rhymes! XD

got my watch today! yesh! not gonna wear it though. just er, dunno, to keep. XD

shall buy some more stuff, now that mummy and money are here! ho ho ho XD

2nd April

the sad teen. Everything in life is f*ckin'
miserable. You constantly look over your
shoulder and wonder who is judging you...even
when you are alone. So naturally, you have
become a little paranoid and pessamistic. Your
personality can be one demensional but
confusing. You are constantly bored with life
and wish that something could spice it up. You
have a unique view on life and have identified
the problems with school society (Ex...what
makes popular people, how the student mind
works...) You would rather be alone because you
hate being hurt. You tend to think that no one
understands you, not even your parents /
guardians / friends. But that is just the
opposite! The people who love you want to
help, but they don't know how because they have
a feeling that they will say something wrong
and turn you away. You have to let them know
that you are willing to hear what they have to
say...and it might do some good to listen to
them.

Some fields you might consider going
in when you are older...Judge, author,
songwriter, producer, therapist, psychologist,
philosopher, or forensic scientist. You need a
job where you can express yourself and your
views on life. Or you need a field where you
can judge others and predict what is going on
in others life. Either way... you have the
personality to get you a good job that will
support you throughout life.

What type of teenager are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

+_+__+_+

You're Perfect ^^
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

+_+__+_+

haha. so lame. XD

Rain
Your element is Rain: Sad, lonely, distant and
unique. You are quite distant from emotion and
people, but you have been made this way by one
thing or another. You are truly unique yet fail
to see it, and are quite creative be it in art,
music, writing, ect.. You used to let people in
now you don't even bother to try having been
hurt so many times in the past. Your attitude
is that you don't need anyone but yourself,
people are just trouble waiting to happen. But
you really do want to trust someone no matter
if you see it or not, deep down your waiting
for someone to come and set you free. This kind
of depression can turn dangerous, don't let
them get to you. Not everyone in the world will
hurt you, humans are humans and are not
perfect. So most likely sooner or later you'll
meet someone who feels like you do and perhaps
your shell will eventually disappear.

.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

+_+__+_+

how did you know!? cool instinct.

haha.guess that's it, will add more later.

30th March

Footprints

One night a girl had a dream.
She dreamed she was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Across the sky flashed scenes from her life.
For each scene she noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to her, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of her life flashed before her,
she looked back at the footprints in the sand.
She noticed that many times along the path of
her life there was only one set of footprints.

She also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in her life.

This really bothered her and she
questioned the Lord about it:

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The Lord replied:

"My daughter, my precious daughter,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

The Lord paused for a moment, and continued:

"If you turn back to look far, you will see more foot prints.
Those are your family and friends'.
You might not realize it but they have been following and supporting you all the way,
it's just that sometimes they will be further
each time you believe in your loneliness."

+ i only modified the last part +

haha. well. lazy to blog. ja~

27th March

Hm, as i have calculated, well... you can say i'm unloved (looks like i'm gonna have a hard future). yeah. craps. I think i'm going mad, believe it or not. Stoopid family. hm, it's not like i need them or anything. hm. yeah and again i say this, as i have calculated from the start, yeah, i AM unloved. Happy? *smile*

So yeah, had a somewhat fight with that old dickhead just now. hm. i think she got carried away in the conversation and said something she shouldn't. she said the thing that "dearest, loving and warmest" mother said to her. *smile* [if i type out the thing here, i'll proly goes bonkers, fall apart, tears roll, break down or wad eva...] *trying to forget everything*

I think my mind is going to burst in no time, craps. I wished i can get a life. yeah. hm. What kind of life am i living in. cannot believe it. But well, i think i'm gonna scream soon, turn the music out loud? Nah, gonna scream in my pillow, i think i'm gonna just roll here and there on my bed to dry my f*cking bloody tears. *smile* (still holding back tears). hm, i have a good ability for this. I think i shall consider to run away from home. yeah. shall make a plan for this. I'll throw away my family name. hm, where should i run to? shall think of this for a while. Anyone willing to keep me? jkjk. haha. [amazing, i can still laugh]. hm, shall go and reflect on everything.

Gaaah! no no, i have to forget everything. hm yeah, forget and live on. soon, i think i'll break down like a machine over loaded with unused memories. *still smiling* hm, i can still hang on a little longer. (i'm such a hypocrite).

i so so need someone to cheer me up right now. *thinks hard* (like there is someone!) hahahaha! [amazing]. Craps, i hate this, but well, i guess time will heal everything. *bangs head* let me forget this... forget, forget....

++_+_++

happy easter, everyone. I have math test tomorrow. hm. should i go to church today, or not? *thinks* because if i go, i have to cancel my tuition. And if i don't go, i will feel guilty. which??? gaaaah!

sometimes i think...
that the world is just a fragment of imagination
that all humans breathing on this earth are just clumps of soil controled by someone mighty
that i'm the only real one straying...

what kind of thinking i have? shss, bullshit. hm. shall go somewhere now, feeling bored...

26th March

ng, quite a long time. well. Maybe it's because i was too busy having fun these days, no special sadness feeling or anything like that, yeah. should be. hm, it's really strange. I have to live by sadness so that i can say those full-of-feelings words. Now, hopeless, i don't even have 1% of inspirations.

hm, been going out to orchard these few days. (crazy me) nvm, nvm. This is life. (stuck).

If your world start falling apart
tumbling down in front of you
and you think that you are all by yourself
shedding bloody tears for loneliness
you're on your knees and off your mind
so desperate for one's truth
remember that i've loved you

+ inspired by "i have loved you" by jessica simpson +

What a good lyrics the song has. hm. can't get it off my mind just like tere said. well. that's it for today i guess, *downloading bleach* ja~

22nd March

bought fruits basket 8 and girl got game 8 in kinokuniya just now. yeah! at last...*tears of joy*

oh yeah. went out with christine, christie, rayna and natalia to mos burger just now. to eat and finish up holiday homework. hehe XD. had fun. natalia has to leave earlier, poor thing. but had fun XD. hihi. can't write ehat we talked about. all the secrets will be revealed. waaai! hi~mi~tsu!

21st March

yay! did the quiet time blog! The link is there, on the right. Under the "De memories" column. First one. erhg, layout sux. gonna redo when i have time. hm. yeah. anyway. had english test today. i'm gonna fail. =D~ (still smiling!?) hahax. yeah. short and nice. ciao"

18th March

Tell me that the world isn't falling apart
tell me that all i knew was a lie
tell me that i'm just imagining
tell me that i'm having a nightmare

Why can't I listen only to the good?
why can't i be oblivious to the dark?
why am i always trying to escape from the truth?
why can't i have an eternal dream and happiness?

All of my innocent dreams has faded
i should've known it from the start
I still won't be happy in the end
now it is too late to regret
everything is falling apart...

Today is the worst day in almost i don't know how many days, months or years. I have to endure many dang stuff today. Why... why did everything went out of place? why do i always have to see these nightmares? everything went crazy today. I have to say again that i want to disappear. It's again one of those days which is the storm after the calm. i was so happy yesterday, and what the HECK is wrong with being happy? Don't you like seeing me being happy? So why did you send a storm after the calm!? I don't want to hear all of this.

After all the hard thoughts to turn the table over... you gave me more sadness. First that dumb dickhead gurdian, then outta dang luck, then now... POT. Not just that. I've been in my dark insanity mind since too long to remember. Now you are taking the little things which cheers me up during my dark times. If all of them fades... what will i be made of?

Fine, let me tell you something. Yes, i am PATHETIC. I don't have a true friend in my life. YES. you CAN call me PATHETIC. I don't dare to regard them as one because i know i will only hurt myself in the end. Poeple walk in and out of out lives. That's the way we live today. If you regard a friend as a true friend, a life-time friend, what ever dramatic stuff... soon, you will realise, they will walk out of your lives. No matter how much you want them by your side forever. They will still walk out. eternity... rubbish. There are no such thing as eternity, only in heaven. Only God makes a true friend. Yet he's not here. I can't see him. He is not here to comfort me. He is JUST looking at me from a corner in heaven and helping me out in ways he can. But hey... i don't have any in this world. Someone who can understands me, someone who will weep when i weep, someone who will stand still by my side in my rough times, someone who does not even dare to think about betraying me, someone who will stay when i say "leave me alone", someone who shares all her/his secrets with me... no, there are none. Even if there is, i'm sure she/he will still walk away. Well maybe there is, it's just that i kept denying it...

God, grant me the strength to live on in this cruel earth. Wash away my sad memories and give me precious memories. Take away the weak me and make me smile again. Then i'll be able to love again and turn over the tables...

17th March

haha. new layout. my first div layer layout! yay~

went out with ginji and ban today. man, it was fun. we're so high today. extremely high. I fetched them at ban-chan's house at 12 something and then we went to lippo mall. damn far. worth it though. we played about 4 hours there, timezone, roller coaster, counter strike and bowling. bowling was damn nice. me got the highest score, hehe. Ban-chan's quite good for a beginner. hahax. ginji was the first striker, me the first sparer and ban... the first -nil-. hahax.

I was so damn scared in lippo, don't ask why. i'm scared of meeting someone i shouldn't yet want to meet. how do i explain this... hm. well. that's just about it. i'm scared. yeah. excited and scared.

After lippo, we went to puri mall. haha. my driver accidentaly passed by the shortcut and ended up going so far to u-turn. took about an hour. hahax. we chatted a lot in the car, haha. gin and ban loooove to chat about prev stuff. eew.

At puri we took the ghost coaster in fantasy land. It was soooo lame. not scary at all. AT ALL. what a waste of money. then after that me and gin took the richie blabla ride. Ban did not want to go, he said he will get dizzy but i think he's just merely scared of heights. hahax. we played some games after that. the punching game was the best. i freaked out. ginji is the strongest of us. me second and ban last. woah. that's why folks, don't judge the book by its cover. XD bought some comics after that. yeah.

Ok, next stop! Taman anggrek! we planned to ice-skate. (crazy!) but well... ban and gin's money is er... reaching its end. hahax, and further more it was so expensive. damn. so gin and ban went to timezone to play again and i went to gramedia and gunung agung to buy comics. Oh ya, bought anglia's comics too. hehe.

next stop... a cafe in p.i.k haha. we were so lame in the car. gin and ban were like asking permission to go out until later. haha. so lame. -_-;; then i called mom, she said bro was asking me to follow him to eat just now but he was too hungry to wait for me and left earlier. haha. WTH! XD anyway, we went to cafe... chat, eat, drink. get in the car again, and home we go. hahax. that's it. end of story. hahaha. lame...