.:.LonelinesS.:. V.04 // myself //

saluto di benvenuto

Welcome to .:.LonelinesS.:. This is a layout featuring a shinigami, Meroko from full moon wo sagashite. Takuto is also present as his mascot from if you look carefully below Meroko. I think i've somehow fell in love with red *_*. haha. Anyways, this will be my blog layout from now on, GBU.
song played : Alone (gensomaden saiyuki)

16th March

These days are those days which i'll suddenly weep for no reason. Maybe deep down i know the reason, it's just that i kept denying it. Some people just don't know when they hurt a soul. They might even think what they did is fine. Then let me ask you something, what if fine isn't good enough?

These days i've been sleeping so often that i don't even know what was i dreaming. Being in Indonesia only brings back memories, memories which needed to fade away but couldn't. It's the same thing as the rain. This is merely my phobia. craps.

I've been thinking a lot lately. What does giving up means to me? sometimes you just have to realise that you can't give up no matter how hard you try. It's like a feeling which i tried so hard to compress in my mind yet i can't even do a think to my heart. I can't control my heart. I can't. If so, then what should i do? i can't go on like this. it's bullshit. Can i just disappear?

family doesn't seems to care about me now. They do their own stuff and left me alone. Are they even glad that i came here? i was so naive, i knew it from the start. i knew that... they don't even care about me. I knew it. all they want is future. they want me to support them with money. All along... i don't even deserve a single love on this earth. tell me something, how am i going to try to love them? all i know of is hatred. Here i am again in this world, shedding useless tears along my journey, loved by no one, loving no one. everything of me has fade, the hope has started to fade too. Soon, i'll be nothing, just a lost sheep, stuck in the cliff of the mountain, waiting for its master. waiting and waiting. will he even be here i wonder. Should i just give up and push myself down the mountain and fall apart in the deep darkness? I don't know... i really don't know...

God, give me faith and the strength to overcome all the small obsticles in my life. dio gracias.

I was by myself on 8.29pm

15th March

Sometimes i wonder, i wonder so long yet the end is much more than what i wonder. i wonder about eveyrthing, about me, this world, this life, people, friends... it's like, i always doubt that they are real, what if... i'm the only real one? what if... i am actually always alone on this so-called earth. will there be a way out? am i happy? suffering? what do i feel? what is death like... and all those stuff.

My family is better off without me, they will be much happier that way. Now that i'm here, they will not say anything anymore, they have to except the disasterious fact, if what i think it's the truth, than i rather die if that's what i must do in order to restore everything in place. This is so full of insanity, i think i'm going bonkers...

Here i am in indonesia, bored to death. I read all my mangas i just bought and i have nothing to do now. *sobs* ginji called just now, he said he's with ban in a warnet near their houses. -_- then later he smsed, saying that ban is shitting... *huek* ne gin-chan, it's better off you tell me that he's in the washroom or something.

we're planning to go out tomorrow, hm. wonder if it'll be a good day... oh ya, i think i'm going for the kick-boxing later on with sis. *sigh* so boriiing, this life is sooo borriiiing...maybe i should go back to s'pore earlier, yes, i should. shall ask mom to move the the flight a day or two faster.

GYAAAAAA! so far i'm in a bad luck. GYAAAAAAAA! wishes... what exactly are they. why am in indonesia in the first place... *shrugged* what makes me come here? ehh... omg, why am i so stupid. *sigh* life... BUT! i'm sure... there is some purpose *_*

so far no luck, my wish, wish, wish, wish. *wish hard* please please please please come true, even if there is no fallen star now... onegai... *wish hard* even if this wish is one of my three wish, please please please grant me this wish. onegai des... everything of me has faded but please don't let this hope fade 'cause i will be nothing if it fades. takara... onegai des... dio gracias.

I was by myself on 2.38pm

12th March

living again after a long death, in other words, die another day. Currently at the airport with ban-chan, surfing the free internet ^^;; waiting for boarding. Going to Indonesia, i wonder if it is a good idea. Maybe some things will happen, sad things of course, i hope not. I don't want myself to be down and stressed up again.

I just want to wish something even though i know they are dim-witted bullshit. I wish i can see the one that i want to see. If fate is so againts me then let it be, it's not like i'm gonna cry forever. but god, please, just for this wish, let it come true, it's okay if it's the last time. eit! wait! no, i pull back my words. huek! who the f**k wanna see that monster. eew. *blames all on white angel* -_-;;; <--- white angel.

guess what! I forgot to pass the media club letter... T_T i'll beheaded by the comm members, not only that, kicked out is a great possiblity, well, tell you what, the payment for the camp will be a token of my appriciation if you dun behead me.

oh ya oh ya! i brought my tezu with me XDDD yay~ tezu tezu! ho ho ho. can sleep soundly in the plane.

hm... i thought ginji's mom and sis are taking the same flight like us (me and ban). hm... where is she ne...

i'm bored... bored. bored. totally bored. i think i came too early to the airport, yeah, blame that stoooopid dickhead old granny! so talkative, she really has the potential to become a parrot. go be one! you'll be famous!

well guess that's it fot now. stoopid homework the teachers gave. -_-;;; i dun even know how i am gonna do it in indonesia, maybe i'll go to the warnet. hm. maybe not. too scary. lemmi just ask my mom to connect the internet (speedy, telkom) sooner. hm. yeah, for the sake of my life. -_-;;;

ok then, cao"

I was by myself on 2.07pm

2nd March

Today morning was so lame. well. I skipped school today. Why? because i'm having a cough *uhuk uhuk*, a flu *sneeze* and a sorethroat *eherm eherm*. OF COURSE NOT! the real reason is that it's raining and i HATE rainy days. cih! only bring back dumb memories, make me go into my dark state and all that. Increase the humidity and other stoopid things happened. Not just that though, i had a nap yesterday, i slept at 5-10pm. Crazy rite? then i ate my dinner at 10.30pm. after that went online till 11.30pm. went in to the room and can't sleep. great. well, i'll just assume that you know what happened to me next. no more naps people!!!

The fun part:

Ok, so marleen also skipped school today. she went online about 9 am. then we were chatting and all that. i was reading scanlations of land of the blindfold when she suddenly shout all over. she was like saying koru's name all over the 10 lines. -_- i was like... ano... it's very noisy. Anyway, so she invited him. haha. the three of us chatted and all that. Do you know what is his first word? this ---> "???" then this---> "vodka siapa? (who is vodka?)" yeah. so. added him at last. haha. crazy. it was just... totally crazy. hahahax. then *eherm* well... it was like fate that i skipped school today. i almost freaked out.

Not just this, last night i was having this dream. I told myself that "hey, this is damn important." but i FORGOT wad it is. geez! i totally forgot. no matter how hard i try to recall. i FORGOT. totally wiped, erased. gone. sh*t! i only remembered the ghost dream. haiz. the ghost toll, express way wad eva craps. how can i have such a dumb dream. crazy. *sigh* i think i need to chill.

My hands was shaking just now too. *eherm* some will know why. yeah. my heart almost stop beating. cih! my death was just fasten. hahax. yeah. i was so nervous just now. so scared. so excited. and well, sad. why? because it reminds me of a few weeks ago. the day that i gave up everything. why is it only happening now? this is so stupid. so crazy. fate is like playing against me. one word for this whole thing, "lame".

I was by myself on 2.18pm

26th February

living again after quite a long death. now currently in comp lab. shss, it's saturday morening dude. I was planning to sleep in and watch anime the whole day. damn. now look. It's 10 and i'm like... down here already. right on the time of the meeting, then all they say is, "walk through turn left" (especially michelle, she like wanna fight like that) until even christine said that, "how to walk through turn left?" then i was like... "walk through the wall is it!? hahaha!" well. lame. haha.

yesterday was so... er. wad's that word. so... nyolot. yes yes. nyolot. haha. i finally knew the meaning of "nyolot". haha. Christie said that i am nyolot yesterday. haha. (why am i laughing, nyolot is a bad word...) T_T great. haha. i'm so crazy. AM I THAT NYOLOT??? anyway. yeah. haha.

poor anglia and cicilia. poor them, coming so early in the morning. just to have a meeting. somemore it's just a club meeting. poor them. (sincere)

life is getting better each day. nice. time seems to pass by so fast. yeah man! thank you God, keep the pace. xD

well. wanna fool, around with some people in the lab for a while. ja~

I was by myself on 10.07am

20th February

Friendship

friendship is the second greatest gift you can obtain on this earth. From what i have experienced, friendship is more fun when friends just get to know each other and there are like tons of things to talk about. On the other side, if we know each other too well, we tend to get bored. well, not all. some people. Then, we will want to make new friends and kind of, let go the previous friendship. I have met these kind of friends. To tell you the truth, i was the person who was being "let go". yeah. "let go".

The second type now. If you think that friends whom you have known longer is your bestfriend. Drop that thought out of your mind, coz you will hurt yourselves in the end. It's not true. I have experienced. Mind you, i was the one that thought of that. you see, if you have a friend you have known quite long, "a" and a friend whom you known longer than "a", "b". So one day when you lastly introduced "a" and "b" while you being the middle person. Day after day, you will realise that they are leaving you (or only one), while they two became closer. What do you think you will think of when you see this? then they two started to share things which you, as the friend whom known them longer, does not know about. It hurts right?

The third type now. this kind of friendship is those type of "fake" friendship. well, it's easy to explain. example if you are in this clique. You are accepted well, yes. Officially in the clique then. Just because most of the members accepted you but i said "most". Yeah. so one day you found that there are some members disliking you. of course after this you will be awkward with them and then... the whole clique started to put you aside, doesn't mean putting you out. you are still in the clique, just that... you don't feel that you are that close to them anymore. Mind you again, i've experienced this.

Now, the last type. This is what i've been searching for a long time, for my whole life you may say. This type of friendship is called true friendship. It exist rarely. It doesn't contain hatred and this kind of friendship you felt, will only exist between the friendship. you will never want to end this friendship in any circumstances. you will face trouble together, weep together and be happy, together. I don't even know whether this type of friendship does exist on this earth. to tell you the truth, until now... i have seen NONE.

I guess you will say that i'm being too persistent on what i want and not appreciating what i have. But hey, if you are in my position. To feel those kind of hurting feelings which can make you cry so long and to act so normal in front of them to cover up your sadness. you will feel like giving up everything. you will feel that it's better for you if you had not meet any of them in the first place. you will feel this great feeling of regretness. These kind of stuff happens too many times in my life. I'm so tired of them, therefore i decided not to care about the truth, i will just make up something in my mind, something to cheer me up but at times when i remembered of the truth... i will feel like disappearing.

see, i live in the world of my own imagination. these kind of friendship, living with no one in the family members saving you. They are only busy with their own things anyway. With no support from family and friends who said they want to know my feelings and yet when i tried to tell them, they left. to live this kind of life without the education of parents since the age of 8, to be placed here in a difficult situation only knowing one reason, "it's for your own good". to be scolded and pushed everyday at such a young age. to be under pressure. to weep alone at night with no human seeing you weep and tried to comfort you. to have this kind of freaking childhood, straying on this bloody earth with no dreams, no goal...

tell me something... am i alive? why do i feel so dead. why am i bloodily half-alive. can you just make me disappear once and for all. fetch me with your hands. i want to end all of my memories here. everything...

I was by myself on 11.08am

19th February

Let everything be revealed here
There is no use keeping it to myself
When I know it’s of no use
Therefore, let me say this once and for all
Be my witnesses on this very day

Remember those days…
when I realized that I started to notice you
It was so embarrassing that I want to escape
Although I tried to compress it in my mind
I can’t do anything about my heart

Remember those days…
when I shared my feelings to my friends
to know that they have experienced it too
it was so fun yet embarrassing
I wished those time would never stop

Remember those days…
When my heart beat rises over you
To talk to you normally
Is how I planned to talk to you
it was so lame now that I thought of it

Remember those days…
when I started to know the meaning of “love”
the thought of wanting to change to a better person
Flashed through several times in my mind
This is when I learnt the lesson of “love”

Remember yesterday…
When I decided it was the right time
Knowing that it’s impossible and useless
To stop thinking about you
This is when I gave up my first one-sided love

These sweet memories
how can I ever forget it
Let it fade but don’t disappear
For these are the memories of my first…
One-sided love…

- Vodka R.yuki Mint
+ Inspired by midori no hibi [not meee!]

~FiN~

A big happy birthday to my newly turned 17 years old brother! have a blessed birthday. love you always. ^_^ take care.

I was by myself on 12.01pm

18th February

today is bad. yeah. very bad.

Subject: Fan Li Feng

Ok. here goes. Others has high marks for chinese. I got low marks. Well i don't care about those stuff, but i DO CARE about people talking about me behind my back. You know something, you are just a tuition teacher, i pay you, you teach me. That's it. You are not here to talk behind my back to the rest of your students that i know of.

You talked about rayna. Yes you did. You said that she will be a successful woman when she grew up, maybe an actress, blaa. Then when you are unhappy with her, you will say bad stuff about her. Hey. Stop it will you? If you care about her problem so much, why not ask her yourself? why not talk to her yourself. tell her all the bad things you want so say about her. why me? do you think i'm gonna be influenced by you? do you think i trust you more than her?

You talked bad about marleen too. This makes me sick. You are the one passing rumours about her. Fake rumours, to my grandmother, to cicilia. To everyone! The story you told isn't true. You didn't know that i know what happened exactly when you told me. It's so so different from the truth. hey. Get a grip, DICKHEAD!

You talk bad practically about everyone! you talk bad about this "b" when you are with "a" and when you are with "b", you talk bad about "a". No wonder your mom wants to trade you with another child. now i understand.

Lastly, you talked about me. Don't think i don't know. I know everything since last time. You said that i'm mentally sth wrong. I know that. well, that i agree. (do u think i'm really gonna say this?). You talk bad about me when you are with Rayna, Kevin, Limantra and even adults. My grandmother in included. hey, never think that i'm oblivious to your rumours. I tell you this once and for all. I can feel it. I can feel your evilness. I can see your devil.

You are always. always. always. comparing me with somebody. Especially rayna and limantra. what next huh? kevin? great. You never trusted me even a bit. even a bit... whenever i said there is a homework or test or what the homework is about. You always wanted me to call rayna to confirm. How do you think i felt? How the fuck do you think i freaking felt? It hurts damn it! Hey. freak! can you please stop? I finally see a point. What is the use of getting good marks for Chinese when i'm only being compared? WHAT?

I don't want any of my friends you taught to be compared like me. I rather be the worst so that you can never blame them for getting low marks for I, got a lower mark than them. how i wish i did not meet you in the first place. how i wish i did not meet any of my friends in the first place. it's better not to meet anyone, ne? how i wish...

-FIN-

About ms ng's devotion today (the like, like thingie), i agree with her. It's true what she said. Sometimes i think about it too. When people praise me, are they really praising or are they just being merely sarcastic. it's also true when she said "who doesn't like it when they are liked?" it's true. You can only like yourself when someone like you. why? you will feel that there is actually something special in yourself, that's why that person like you. It's not that you have to like yourself before people like you. that's bullshit. yeah. totally bullshit.

I don't know how to live anymore. I can't go on like this forever...
God, please understand...

I was by myself on 2.21pm

17th February

I hate thursdays. it's so... so... tiring i suppose. hahax. right now i'm waiting for nata in the comp lab. supposed to meet her in the library at 4. haiz. still half an hour.

Since the morning... the mass stretch, not exactly mass stretch, it's actually... er. lame stuff. yeah. Then it's like so tiring already. imagine... 30 squads! crazy! my leg is so pain. after that, it's math. He only explained 2 questions and the whole math period is over. We got back our math paper again. well, he replied my reflection. He said "very entertaining reflection, it's good that you realise your mistakes, be careful next time, keep it up!" yeah. and i was like "eer..." That reflection was lame. I wrote all damn stuff like, "shrugs" then... "points to page 2" then..."(shoked)" yeah. so it was so so informal. haha! very dang informal. yeah.

Well, apperantly at science period which is like at the end of the day. I woke up again. hahax! Ms ng was settin up her laptop. She wanna show us the powerpoint slides you see... then her desktop is shown on the monitor. haha. Guess what, her wallpaper is a picture of inuyasha and kagome. i was like "eer" and rayna was like "gel, look" then amanda was like "hey, take a look." hahaha! venza was shocked. She is a real anime maniac too ei? no wonder... hahaha!

So far i've found out that some teachers in this school are either anime maniacs or manga freak. yeah.

Ms ng (anime maniac), Mr chan (pert time manga freak?), mrs kwok (same like mr chan), ms tan (samurai x...), mr foo (anime maniac). yeah. so far these are the only ones. shall investigate more.

hm... nothing to say anymore.

I was by myself on 3.36pm

14th February

Every time I try convey my feelings
Tears will flow out like a thousand words
You will say those comforting words
Which make my tears flow like the unstoppable wind

Sometimes I’m irritated even by the innocent little you
I sulked, walked away and hide myself
Yet you will find me and stretch your hands to reach me
The selfish and childish thoughts fade away

Other times when I see you smile
A smile as calm as the spring
That melts sallow winters away
It changed my day and gave me strength

Through all these time you were by my side
I’m sure you healed me and eased my pain
Someday you shall understand
The reason you were born with wings…

So on this special day
I would like to thank you for being there with me
Your names will be in me forever as precious memories
Happy Valentine’s Day!

-Vodka R.yuki Mint
+inspired by my every day life

These 150 words are dedicated to (alphabetical order):

my close friends. Christie, Christine, Marleen, Natalia, Rayna, Stephanie.c.s, Theresia
my god-brother. Heindy-niichan, Ginji-kun, Ban-chan, Ryan-niisan
my family. Dad, mom, Joseph, Rosalin, Christine, James
special dedications. “OVEZR” and the one who taught me to believe (u know who u are)

Have a nice day and god bless.

I was by myself on 5.40pm

13th February

we, the people on this earth
searching for something indefinite
something which is beyond our imagination
yes, freedom that is…

we surpass any circumstances just to acquire it
we hold grudges just to reflect on it
we trained from sufferings just to get it more rapidly
we rebel humans just to obtain it
yes, freedom that is…

Yet, humans still does not comprehend
the freedom that they seek
is a freedom
full of sufferings, pain and tears in the end…

you cannot blame anyone
you started it
they tried to prevent you
yet you just won’t take the words

there is no eternal freedom
there won’t be one
if all you do is rebel
there won’t…

Hm. Today was quite a good day. Though I think… argh! Never mind. I’m always scared if the day is good. It represents that tomorrow might be quite bad. But well. Of course there are some potential where days in a row, can be fine and suddenly days in a row can be tremendously bad. Haha.

I learnt something in church just now…there there, look up. The top. Haha.

tomorrow is Chinese test. I’m going bonkers, I know I am. Dang! I hate Chinese; it really sucks to the core. Damn! Guess all I can do now is fail the test, go home and sleep. Yeah. Guess that’s what I’ll do. Yeah.

I was by myself on 9.43pm

12th February

Lies. All lies...

Cover me, what do you see?
yes, the peaceful world...
Cover me, what do you see?
yes, an eternal happiness...

A world without me
it's a world without chaos...

I saw a dream
A miraculous dream
I was surrounded by a circle of friends
A circle of family
I was smiling blissfully
I can feel the warmth
I can feel the tremendous happiness
Just for that instance
I felt i was in paradise...

I wonder...
Will that ever happen...

they are just my hopeless wishes
people call it "wishes"
I call it
dim-witted bullshit...

Don't you get it?
they will never come true
That's why there's a term for it
wishes... bullshit!

Yes...
They are just merely bullshits
I can't believe i counted on them
for my whole life
I'm so naive
i should have known it earlier
now, needless to say
It's over...

I was by myself on 5.49pm

11th February

Sometimes you just won't realise...

My parents and my younger brother came today. I did not know my bro is coming too. anyway. My bro told me that just now my dad checked on my stuff in my room. haha. Checked every book lying there. But of course, i have a lot of source so you know, i can like hide it from him. he is just naive you see, wad huh? he thought i became like this because of the stuff in my room? Go die! Look at yourself before my room, go to the mirror and you will find the person who you are searching for right in front of you, get the picture? good.

I tell you something. I am sick and tired of getting good results already. I stopped when i was in primary 6. I'm sick. It's like... why must i work so hard when the only thing you can say after looking at my results is, "oh, so-so got higher than you." or "oh ok." or not you will say like, "your english is bad, practice more." or wad-eva uncouragable words you said. I grew older man! I finally began to understand something, why must i score very well if i can't even make you guys proud of me? oshiette yo...

I've been pretending all these years, to show that i'm all right, to show that i'm happy. But i'm sick. I'm so so so sick of not showing my true self. I want to shout these words to you, "If you think you can do better than me, go try it yourself. if you think that some other children is better than me, throw me out then, take him/her instead. If you think that i'm spoiled because of the stuff i do, then you might as well as throw them all out (just that i won't guarantee whether i will commit suicide). If you think that you can 'turn the table around', dream on, it's too late." Got these in you bloody stoopid mind? good.

I hate you guys. I only need your money. The rest... f**k them off. I don't need the rest to live. I can survive without them.

What makes you think that you are my parents, then you can control me like a robot? I have my own life, my own ways, my own rules. It's not like I dun want a happy family, but it's just that my dreams in a happy family has broke. Gone, faded away. Got it? It's now over. Over, got the words?

OVER!

I was by myself on 2.31pm

10th February

Just watched "finding neverland". Full of fantasies. That's all i can say. haha.

rayna, christie and ginji-kun is in my house currently, we're waiting for christine, dunno whether marleen will be coming. hehe. Proly gonna play like crazy again, doing the same thing as yesterdae, truth or dare. haha. yesterday was really fun and lame XD. hahaha. I laugh throwing out all of my 1 month sufferings. haha. it was really relieving. XD.

er, ya. dun really feel like blogging that much today. Maybe tomorrow. ja~

I was by myself on 3.12pm

9th February

Ok, i just watched constantine. It's lame. It's really an evil show. It insult His name. Hate the creater! >< Why must a movie like that exist??? Now i know why everyone watch it. It's because of the main actor. damn. Shouldn't have wasted my money on it. -____-

I was by myself on 5.13pm

I'm on my dark side... go die everyone. I'm so so so totally on my dark side. go die friends, go die family, go die relatives, go die everyone. you only hurt me, you never gave me happiness. i tell you, NEVER. Even if you thought you did. It's already erased by the sufferings you gave me without realizing. This is me, this is life.

What makes you think you can change me? what makes you think i'll be happy around you? I can never share my problems directly to my friend. So my blog, loneliness, you are my only faithful friend. The loneliness in me is... my best friend. can you believe it? Humans are just mere humans. Can you believe that an electronic is my best friend? A friend that will hear all my problems whenever i want to say them? It does not makes me sad, it does not hurt me, it entertains me, make me smile, laugh. Do you still think that human makes a better friend?

I shouldn't have trusted anyone! F**K! Why is my white side so hard to control? It's all because of her! All because of her. Why didn't she stop trusting? I told her many times that it will only harm us, and now you see. Now you regret. It's too late, we spoilt it. It's over. It's all your fault.

damn family. Do not pity me staying here alone. I dun need your pity. I dun need your love. I need myself and you to disappear. That's it. That's all i needed since the beginning. If i wasn't born... If just, i did not live in the first place... I won't be like this. I won't have to suffer from my own thoughts. Is this how you love me? Making me live with sufferings, putting me in the toughest position to have a bright future even though you know it will hurt me... is this how...you love me? Do you really think that future is more important than happiness?

Forget it. I really don't know what to say. I really don't know how to espress this feeling of regret, hatred and loneliness. I really don't know how to. Forgive me God, for i have sinned. I abuse the free will you gave me. I chose hatred rather that love. Forgive me...

I was by myself on 11.04am

8th February

Today was lame. The perfomances in school, i mean. Especially the kung fu part. When they swing their arms around and around, the first thing i think of is "crazy...". ok. then we go home so fast some more. about 9??? if i know, I won't go to school in the first place. ><

Ok, then me and co. went to orchard to watch this movie "a momment to remember". Damn dude! It's so totally saddd T_T. TOTALLY. The saddest movie that i can remember of after "my brother". But this is more to romance and "my brother" is more to family. hehe. haiz! dun feel like blogging XD. wanna watch BLEACH!!! YAY!!! nxt time lar! ja~

I was by myself on 8.36pm

7th February

Hi everyone. New layout. Fell in love with the red and the "myself". haha. Btw, i decided not to link going-to-die-links (like those that is updated once a month) Oh well, tomorrow then start to blog. ja~

I was by myself on 9.47pm